Monday, 22 September 2014

Fish & chips

What would be a better way to start the day than by feeding one's face with a full English breakfast? The smell of the sausages, the sizzle of the bacon and the crackle of the eggs is what breakfasts should be about, and is why our green and pleasant land is a cut above the rest, when it comes to culinary delights.

Those pesky froggies on the other side of the Channel are having a tough time at the moment - soaring unemployment/rising taxes/rising inflation/storms destroying vineyards/political turmoil - and the good times seem a long way off. But when the chips are down and the shit is coming in from all directions, our continental cousins still adhere to their philosophy of we live to eat and don't eat to live!

In other words - as the country falls apart at the edges - the two-hour lunch break is still the priority of the day, as is the national pastime of criticising the eating habits of their British cousins.

How, they sniff, can one eat baked beans and fried bread for breakfast? And, ooh la la, mint sauce with lamb - whatever next? 
 Saturday night is curry night, and although curry is as English as the Eiffel Tower, this wonderful food has been adopted by our people, with love and affection, just in the same way that we love to dine on Mexican and Chinese food.

Ooh la la, Jean-Pierre, how can anyone eat THIS? says Francoise, as she takes her first taste of vindaloo. Jean-Pierre looks at his wife and wants to cry. They came to London for a romantic break, and because they like to try anything once, they decided to visit the Indian restaurant next to their hotel. Their guts are destroyed and their weekend is a nightmare. They curse and swear and they want to go home.

Vindaloo, chicken madras, roast beef and yorkshire pudding, bacon sandwiches, steak and kidney pie and chips, fish and chips, bangers and mash, ploughmans lunch, steak and chips, cheddar cheese and pickled onions, cheese on toast, roast beef and horseradish sandwiches and a full English breakfast help to keep England steaming along in the right direction, and when lunch is over and our appetites have been satisfied, we're ready to tackle anything!

Beans means there are no two-hour lunch breaks here and vindaloo is only for real men.

The white cliffs of Dover is where the action starts, so step inside and give your stomach the treat it deserves!

Wednesday, 17 September 2014

And the winner is...


Thanks to all of you who entered our recent competition (see previous post "Inside FOREVER") in which YOU were invited to send a tedious turd or pompous politician to prison, on Christmas day.

All the votes have been counted, and the Peter Pan of pop - aka Cliff Richard - is the one who will be doing time over the festive period, in one of Her Majesty's crumbling and overcrowded prisons.

Mr. & Mrs. D. Smith, from Leeds, are the first prize winners of the competition, and they will be flying off to the Greek island of Asbestos, next spring, for a wonderful two-week stay on this charmless and abandoned island. Well done to them, and may God go with them on, what is bound to be, a holiday from hell.

Yes, I know what you're thinking: is this one occasion when it would be better to stay in Leeds? Well, quite possibly - but that's for our northern friends to decide.

Mr. A. Nelson, from Norwich, wins the second prize of a weekend for two on the Isle of Wight. A visit to Parkhurst prison is part of his prize, where he will get the chance to eyeball, from a safe distance, some of Britain's most evil criminals.

Third prize goes to Mrs. J. Hartley, from Maidstone. Her prize is a copy of Cliff Richard: the golden years and a meal for two in a Travel Lodge of her choice.

Ten runners-up will receive a year's supply of sausages and charcoal, to help make next summer's barbecues something to remember.

The final votes were as follows:
Cliff Richard: 65%
Angela Merkel: 25%
Sepp Blatter: 6%
Roy Hodgson: 2%
Francois Hollande: 2%

We wish the Smiths a happy time on the isle of Asbestos.

Tune in on Christmas day to see how Cliff Richard adapts to prison life, and hope, like all of us, that this vile entertainer changes his ways and comes out a reformed character.

Wednesday, 10 September 2014



As Christmas is almost upon us, here, at Ryman Towers, and in association with ARSE TV, we are putting the finishing touches to "Bang 'em up NOW!!!" - due to be aired on Christmas day on BBC1.

What a wonderful programme this is, and what a wonderful chance, YOU, the viewing public have in ridding the world of the person you consider to be worthy of spending the rest of their days inside FOREVER!

Sir Cliff Richard has never done time, but throughout his sick and tragic career, in which he has forced billions of people to listen to his insipid, crap and tiresome songs, we have all asked the same question: Shouldn't this irritating turd be behind bars?
In his youth he sang about a summer holiday and the young ones, before mellowing and becoming a devout christian. This is when mistletoe & wine was born - a Christmas song which clearly ranks as the biggest load of dross ever to come out of a recording studio.
And don't forget - if you choose to send Sir Cliff away forever, the Queen will duly strip him of his knighthood.
SMS the word "CLIFF" to 0898 111 110 if you've really got it in for him.

Sepp Blatter is the president of FIFA - world football's governing body. This man is the Adolf Hitler of the beautiful game, and he has no intention of stepping down from his post. Loathed by millions and loved only by his immediate family, Switzerland's worst export is slowly destroying the most popular sport in the world.
Yep! This bugger should be kicked into touch, and what better way to batter Blatter than by sending him on a lifetime holiday to one of Her Majesty's finest prisons?
SMS "BLATTER" to 0898 111 111 if you've really got it in for him.

Angela Merkel is here to stay, and don't forget it! This is the message that the most powerful woman in the world posted on her twitter account, just before she took a shower and went to bed.
When she's not trying to take control of Europe, Merkel can be seen hosting her own television chat show, in which she tells world leaders why the world would be a better place if everyone spoke german, we all drove Mercedes and we all ate sausages.
Some people call her a cuddly bear with a heart of gold, but I know what YOU call her!
SMS "ANGELA" to 0898 111 112 to send her packing.

The boy Roy did well in taking England to the World Cup finals in Brazil, but after being beaten by those pesky Italians, it's clear that England football manager, Roy Hodgson, has got a lot of work to do, if he's to get a knighthood and live happily ever after.
The man is oozing with experience, is well respected and knows what he's talking about, but is Roy Hodgson really the right man for the job?
I can't see Hodgson being still in charge at the end of this year, and if you send him to prison on Christmas day, my prediction will be spot on!
SMS "ROY" to 0898 111 113 to rescue England in its hour of need.

He's already got enough to be getting on with, so does Francois Hollande really need the threat of prsion hanging over him? BUT YES!!! cry millions of froggies, clearly upset by Hollande's presidential performance.
THE WORST PRESIDENT OF ALL TIME scream the headlines, as the economy suffers, unemployment soars and the laziest race on the planet get even lazier.
He's out of his depth, he's french and he talks utter rubbish. Would the world miss this bungling buffoon?
SMS "HOLLANDE" to 0898 111 114 to send this socialist to the Big House.

Tuesday, 2 September 2014

Go south, young man

Where dreams came true

This is Dreamland - or it was the land of dreams - before it was shut down and left to decay.

And where was this amusement park located? Well, the answer is Margate - a seaside town in Kent, which is now just falling apart at the edges and, like Dreamland, dead on its feet.

A small strip of sand, a cold sea and the smell of seaweed and fish and chips. Children screaming, dogs barking and drivers going around in circles, looking for somewhere to park their cars. Exhaust fumes, foul language and kids with only one thing in mind: to hell with the shops, just take me to Dreamland, PLEASE!

And so through the entrance and into the park, where the big wheel turns, the dodgems bump and the waltzer waltzes. Down comes the sun, up goes the noise and for one brief moment - too brief - you think that you're in another world. Then onto the slot machines, the bingo and the flashing lights. YES! You are in another world, and this world is called Las Vegas.

You fucking idiot! You are only ten and still in short trousers. You have never been to Las Vegas, you don't know it exists and you don't know where it is. This, my friends, is Margate - the most wonderful place in the world...

Paradise on the southeast coast of England? No! It never was and it never will be. It's just another town where, for an afternoon, the world seemed a better place to be.

"I've never been there before," you say, as you flick through your mind's photo album. "I've done Folkestone and Ramsgate, but I've never been there before," you add, hoping that it's true.
"Oh, it's wonderful," I say, as I see Kent disappear from sight in the rear-view mirror. "Shit now, but back then..."
"...come off here," you say, as you point at the overhead roadsign. "I want to go to Reading."
"Good God!" I reply, "I'd rather go to Folkestone."
"Take me to Reading, Swindon and Bristol, too..."
"It sounds like a song," I say, as we leave the M25 to join the M4.
"This IS fun!" you say, as we pass a sign for Slough.
"It sounds like a song and I need a drink," I say, as we continue on our way.

Tune in next week for another instalment of "An afternoon going nowhere."

Saturday, 23 August 2014

Movers & Shakers


As summer evaporates into an autumn mist, the days become shorter and the nights become colder, it's time to see just how the final part of 2014 is going to evolve, and how the world of politics, sport and entertainment will throw up some surprises.

In international affairs, Francois Hollande, the unpopular and ugly French president, will resign from his post, citing personal reasons. No-one will shed tears when this turd calls it a day, and to celebrate his departure, the good people of France decide to make the entire month of November a bank holiday.

Getting pissed on red wine, eating cheese and talking bollocks may be a great way to fill the eleventh month of the year, but when the French economy finally falls to pieces on the 15th of November, people start to drift back to work, to try and revive their country's fortunes.

But it's all too late. France is sold to a bidder on e-bay for thirty-five euros, and when the identity of the myseterious buyer is revealed - it's none other than Angela Merkel - France turns to its most hated enemy, England, in its hour of need.

"Sorry, we're busy this weekend," comes the reply from the head of the British armed forces, when the newly-elected French president, Johnny Hallyday, asks for a British taskforce to be sent to save his country. Hallyday calls it a day after only three hours in charge, and France becomes a dumping ground for millions of sausage-stuffing germans.

In the world of music, Chas and Dave, the much-loved cockney duo, decide to buy Manchester United from the highly unpopular Glazer family.

The billion pound bid is financed from royalties the two artists have stashed away at the bottom of their gardens.

The Glazer boys take the money and run, leaving the most popular football club in the world in the hands of two fading singers, whose best years are behind  them.

Chas and Dave waste no time in making radical changes at Old Trafford, which include making Rolf Harris - the disgraced TV celebrity - manager of the under sixteen side. When questioned about their decision, the new owners reply that "Harris has got a beard, just like us, so he's got to be the right man for the job."

The town of Swindon, in Wiltshire, is officially declared the worst place to live in Britain. Bradford finishes second in the list of the shittiest shite-holes, with Great Yarmouth finishing third.

With its awful housing estates, rowdy nightclubs and stinking town centre, Swindon appears to be in need of a major make-over.

Enter Francois Hollande - the former French president, with time on his hands.

In a bold move, he presents himself as the "French One" at the general election, claiming that with his flare, wit and charm, he can bring the glory days back to Swindon.

Voted in with a massive majority, Hollande wastes no time in transforming what is essentially a cesspit of a town into England's answer to San Tropez.

"The Boy Done Well!" boasts the tabloid press, when Swindon is named as one of the most seven beautiful places on the planet.

"Ooh la la!" declares Hollande, basking in the glory of the hour, before declaring that Hastings is the next town which will benefit from a thorough overhaul.

Watch this space for more predictions, holiday destinations for the mentally insane and ideas on how to make this autumn really special.

Sunday, 10 August 2014

In search of bread

We're closed!

Here in the town where I live, in Normandy - on the tenth day of the eighth month of the year - I've just enjoyed another game of spot the resident. This amusing game is a bit like spot the ball, but instead of working out where the football is located, spot the resident involves finding a resident - anyone will do - on the streets, in a bar, in a park or dead, in a gutter.

Now, you may think that there could be nothing in simpler in life, but you have clearly overlooked the fact that (a) Normandy is VERY rural and rustic and (b) we are in the month of August. Therefore, ghost towns are all you can expect to find here, in this very irritating time of the year.

It is irritating not for the French, for it is at this time of the year that the shutters go down, doors are bolted and the whole world heads south, for the annual three-week holiday. Of course, some people will stay behind, but where they stay remains to be seen - because it's getting bloody hard to spot a resident around here.

Okay, the boulangerie was open this morning, but when the shop assistant served me my baguette, she told me that the shop would now be closed for three weeks. I took my bread and smiled. Happy Holidays! On driving back to my house I passed two youths and a stray dog. All of the bars and hotels seemed to be empty and the high street - a tragedy at the best of times - was dead.

In the week, you will of course spot more people than at the weekend, but these bodies seem to be just passing through, like interlopers, in search of something better than this.

But ghost towns in August can have certain advantages. The supermarkets - which certainly don't close for three weeks - are virtually empty. Oh what joy it is to do one's shopping at this time of the year. The aisles are free of old people and children - all of whom are somewhere else - but where, I cannot say.

But where am I heading with all of this?

Well, as France slides gently towards third-world nation status, no-one around here seems to care. Just don't ask me to work more than thirty-five hours a week, give me five weeks holiday a year and don't think that my high street will take on an English accent, and actually bulge at the seams, even in the month of August.

The English complain about shops being open on Sunday, but to those people I say one thing: come over here, right now, and you'll soon see things differently. Long live England's out-of-town shopping centres and long live Tesco, Asda and Sainsburys, for on a Sunday, in the hour of need, one of these three beasts will be open to sell us bread, cheese and wine.

I'm now off to play another game - an amusing variation of spot the resident, which is called spot the English tourist wandering around in circles looking for a shop which sells bread, cheese and wine.

Tune in next week for a list of last-minute holiday destinations in England, for the mentally insane.

Until then, Happy Holidays!

Thursday, 31 July 2014

That KILLER look

Grabbing a couple of beers from the mini-bar, Tony announced that the only way to conquer girls like Candy and Jenny was to go in all guns blazing, woo them with food and drink and then move in for the kill. He then added that if we played our cards right, we could wine them and dine them out of town, and then come back to the casino for cocktails in our room and round the evening off with rough sex. I said that he was a genius, but added that although we had almost five thousand dollars, we didn't need to blow all of our cash just for sex, because, after all, a decent prostitute wouldn't cost that much. Finishing his beer, and opening a second bottle, Tony agreed with my statement, but he thought that girls like Candy and Jenny were better than prostitutes, because he was certain that they were still virgins, and, as he added, it's always better, even if it costs a little more, to be the first in line with girls like them.

His choice of costume for the evening was truly inspired. Smart black jeans, a crisply ironed white shirt and a glittering suede waistcoat. Then, for the killer look, he pulled on his handmade cowboy boots, which he had stolen from a shop in London, just before the holiday, and stuck on his head his beloved cowboy hat. After looking at his reflection in the mirror, he announced that he was ready to set the world on fire. We then split our cash between the two of us, before heading off to meet up with the girls.

Dave & Tony are looking to have fun with a couple of girls, but how will their evening end?
Extract taken from "Dave Cooper: Tony, me & Vegas" - an ebook for kindle about two British buffoons who should have stayed at home.